Dear People Who Say 'My Other Half'

Were you born a half-person? Did you emerge from the womb with exactly half the amount of DNA as a standard human being? When you look in the mirror, do you look like Goldie Hawn in Death Becomes Herwhere half of her torso is missing? Or perhaps you are like John Candy inSpaceballs where he is half-man half-dog? Or do you feel you have precisely 50% less personality, character, wit, charm and intelligence than the average person? If not, I have some news that may be fairly alarming to you, so hold on to your jocks - you are not ‘half’ a person.

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Dear Hollywood

This is a slightly different letter than what we’re used to; but felt it was a necessary one. We’ve all seen the trailer for the new movie Bad Neighbours, right? You know, the one where the hot young frat guy moves in next door to the married couple with a new baby, and trouble and hilarity ensue. Box office gold. The hot young frat guy is played by a mostly shirtless Zac Efron, who just quietly, is doing a stellar job at ditching his Disney image. It appears that of 97 minutes in the film, Efron spends 95 of them half-naked, showcasing just how much free time he has to spend in the gym now that High School Musical isn’t taking up his whole day. And the happily married couple with the new bub is played by Seth Rogan and Rose Byrne. Seth Rogan. And Rose Byrne.

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Dear Ladies

Well. This is embarrassing. It turns out that we have been doing everything wrong for decades. Want to catch the attention of a guy in your office? Or the smoking hottie you see every morning getting your coffee? Or maybe you’re friends with a bloke and you’ve realised you actually want it to be a little bit more than that. So, you start doing your hair a bit better each morning. Putting a little extra bronzer on (you know, to really highlight those cheekbones. Because if there’s one thing guys love, it’s a good cheekbone.) 

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